Friday, May 15, 2009

It's worth it?!

Well I had to make the font here large so I could see it. Seems I'm paying for the fun I had yesterday? As I mentioned in my last blog, my daughter and I watched court tv followed by funny movies. It was so hot and humid we turned the A/C on,closed the blinds and remained nice and cool. During a break in the movie, my daughter brought out all the new makeup she had recently bought on sale. She then thought it would be fun for me and her to try out some of this new makeup. Now anyone who knows me knows that I hardly ever wear makeup. However I went along with her idea. Moments later she held up her mini laptop and stood beside me and said "mama, say cheese" she then showed me the picture of us she took on the webcam. I didn't like that picture so she grabbed the digital camera and tried again. I then allowed her to snap a few photos of me alone. You can tell I'm in my natural habitat by the Aflac Nascar t shirt and bandana with paw prints I'm! I hate to have my picture taken so it was quite a big deal to my daughter. I never like any of my photos. I think it goes back to my denial of what I really look like...if I don't see a photo of myself, I don't have to accept how horrid I look...make Boy I've really let myself go over the past few sad! I may let my daughter upload a photo or two to some of my online accounts hoping that seeing them everyday might desensitize me to their horror? I did however really enjoy the day. While getting ready for bed, I washed my face and put my moisturizer on my face. Suddenly around 3am I woke up because my eyes were burning and hurting! I went to the bathroom mirror and whoa! I couldn't even open my eyes...they were swollen shut! I used a warm wet washrag and after a few minutes I pried them open...what a sight....I looked like a pug dog with those big bug eyes! Now i had a film of yellow fluid covering my eyes. My eyeballs feel like I have sand in them,it hurts to blink. I'm sure this is a reaction to the eye makeup from yesterday. Oh well,I wouldn't change a thing that happened yesterday. I made a memory with my daughter so it's all worth it. Bug eyes and all.... Have a blessed day! Gentle hugs, jayna

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Oops ! Mea Culpa!

addendum to first blog:
I apologize for repeating myself between my profile and my first blog. That's what happens when I write something on one day and something else the next memory! However I wanted to list my current health issues that I'm dealing with once and for all:
SLE(Lupus), RA(Rheumatoid Arthritis),Sjogren's Syndrome, diabetes,kidney disease,neuropathy,multiple cavernous angiomas and Lupus induce vasculitis which has caused lung and brain damage. That's all I can remember at the moment. Of course these diseases have caused a few complications and I'm taking loads of medications to treat each disease which come with many side effects. I sometimes think the side effects of the meds are worse than the effects of the disease? Does that even make sense? OK well there you go, that's what I'm dealing with in a nutshell. From here on out I plan to discuss HOW I'm dealing with these culprits. Now I'm going to curl up on the couch with my daughter and 2 dogs and watch funny's time for a day of laughter! Hope you have a belly laugh today as well! Best wishes and gentle hugs, Jayna

Good Morning!

This is my first attempt at blogging so bear with me. I guess I will start with an introduction of sorts. I'm a 40 something female who is happily married and will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in June. I honestly can't believe that 25 years has flown by already! I have 2 beautiful children, my daughter is 23, attends college, and moved back home to help me out. I'm so glad that we have such a close relationship and I'm so proud of the young lady she's become. My son, is 20,attends college and lives 3 hours away, (that's the part I hate). He is an amazing young man who like his sister I am so very proud of. I love the fact that both of them are very close and get along quite well. I 've worked in several different healthcare facilities but two in particular stole my heart. I had the honor of working at our city/county Health Dept. as the Communicable Disease was a dream job and one that I loved! The other one was a nursing home that I worked part time. The residents there were amazing! Unfortunately my health betrayed me and I had to give up my jobs/career last year. I applied for SS Disability and was finally approved! While I'm quite grateful to be receiving disability payments I must confess that the past year has been the absolute toughest year I've battled thus far. I continue to have a hard time accepting the disabled title. Last May my doc gave me a poor prognosis and urged me to get my affairs in order. I went home and just prepared to die. I didn't tell my family and I came up with a plan to withdraw and detach from family and friends thinking that it would be easier on them when I did pass away...perhaps that wouldn't grieve as much? I also was losing my mind,literally, and this terrified me. So since I couldn't find the right words or remember or retain new information, I stopped talking to everyone, thinking there would be less of a chance that I would say something that didn't make sense or didn't worry them when I didn't remember something. My greatest fear was that I would wake up one day and not be able to recognize my family or even know who I was?! I also hated being a "burden" to my family. Suddenly I couldn't contribute,housework,etc. This was hard to wrap my mind around? Fast forward to today....I've just realized that hey I'm still here! Maybe the docs were wrong, perhaps I'm not going to die soon, perhaps I should have hope,perhaps God really has a new plan for me, dare I dream again? So today I've decided I've worked thru some of the stages of grief and I believe I'm now on the anger stage! I'm mad at these diseases not God?! I'm going to start making plans again, I'm going to try to make NEW memories with my family and friends, heck even if I don't remember them maybe they will?! I'm going to try to reach out to people and maybe even make a friend or two?! Goodness I've rambled on...I'll close now. Till next time, take care of you......gentle hugs,Jayna

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

testing one, two, three!