Thursday, May 14, 2009

Good Morning!

This is my first attempt at blogging so bear with me. I guess I will start with an introduction of sorts. I'm a 40 something female who is happily married and will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in June. I honestly can't believe that 25 years has flown by already! I have 2 beautiful children, my daughter is 23, attends college, and moved back home to help me out. I'm so glad that we have such a close relationship and I'm so proud of the young lady she's become. My son, is 20,attends college and lives 3 hours away, (that's the part I hate). He is an amazing young man who like his sister I am so very proud of. I love the fact that both of them are very close and get along quite well. I 've worked in several different healthcare facilities but two in particular stole my heart. I had the honor of working at our city/county Health Dept. as the Communicable Disease was a dream job and one that I loved! The other one was a nursing home that I worked part time. The residents there were amazing! Unfortunately my health betrayed me and I had to give up my jobs/career last year. I applied for SS Disability and was finally approved! While I'm quite grateful to be receiving disability payments I must confess that the past year has been the absolute toughest year I've battled thus far. I continue to have a hard time accepting the disabled title. Last May my doc gave me a poor prognosis and urged me to get my affairs in order. I went home and just prepared to die. I didn't tell my family and I came up with a plan to withdraw and detach from family and friends thinking that it would be easier on them when I did pass away...perhaps that wouldn't grieve as much? I also was losing my mind,literally, and this terrified me. So since I couldn't find the right words or remember or retain new information, I stopped talking to everyone, thinking there would be less of a chance that I would say something that didn't make sense or didn't worry them when I didn't remember something. My greatest fear was that I would wake up one day and not be able to recognize my family or even know who I was?! I also hated being a "burden" to my family. Suddenly I couldn't contribute,housework,etc. This was hard to wrap my mind around? Fast forward to today....I've just realized that hey I'm still here! Maybe the docs were wrong, perhaps I'm not going to die soon, perhaps I should have hope,perhaps God really has a new plan for me, dare I dream again? So today I've decided I've worked thru some of the stages of grief and I believe I'm now on the anger stage! I'm mad at these diseases not God?! I'm going to start making plans again, I'm going to try to make NEW memories with my family and friends, heck even if I don't remember them maybe they will?! I'm going to try to reach out to people and maybe even make a friend or two?! Goodness I've rambled on...I'll close now. Till next time, take care of you......gentle hugs,Jayna

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