Monday, May 24, 2010

I'm still here!

Well I see it's been almost a year since I last blogged. My excuses are many but the main reason I haven't blogged is due to apathy. I've recently realized that I've developed the 4 "D's" again: damaged,depression,despair and dullness. I know that some of this is not by choice, especially the brain and body damage caused by illnesses as well as the dullness that is exacerbated by some of my meds. However, I take full responsibility for the feelings of depression and despair. I think it's a choice(for some) to be down and have the woe is me (sp?) attitude. This is only my humble opinion about my life. I do believe that some people have an altered brain chemistry that can cause depression but I don't think it applies to me for the following reason: I've tried many different anti-depressant meds and they all failed to bring me any relief. I now see it as perhaps I don't have enough faith?! Maybe I'm not doing anything worthwhile that would lift my spirits? I'm still upset that I can't go to work each day and my last day of work was February 14,2008! To me, that was the last day that I did something productive and rewarding. Since then I've gone from being a wife, mother,nurse,friend and independent woman who walked and talked fast and pulled my own weight financially contributing to my family to a woman who's become a burden to her family in every way! My independence and mobility have been greatly affected. I would love to volunteer somewhere but can't consistently be depended on to show up. I use to rely heavily on my day planners and calendars, now I rarely make plans for the future as I now live day to day. I never know what each day will be...a good health day or a lousy one. I've always been a private person but used to love calling, texting or emailing my family,friends and co-workers. I seldom reach out to others now. I wish I could adequately explain that it's not that I don't want to talk to you or I don't love you, it's me and my shortcomings, my feelings of inadequacy my fear of sounding stupid. I hate to confess this but I now find it a relief when I'm going to be alone for the day Less of a chance to say something dumb, not find the right words or not make sense. The first time my doctor put me on house arrest(that's just what I call it) I hated it and cheated often. She had explained to me that the chemo and steroids compromised my immune system so even the common cold could kill me. As a nurse I understood her orders but at the time, I was still in denial and thought that she was exaggerating my situation and only C.Y.A.'ing! LOL! However as usual, I had to learn that lesson the hard way...within 1 month of her order, I ended up in the hospital because the simple virus that started as a common cold, became a secondary infection of bronchitis and then pneumonia. After about the 5th day in the hospital I realized those trips to Walmart really hadn't been worth it after all! LOL! Oh well, live and learn right? I'm now cognizant that these feelings are similar to the ones I had when the doc told me I might only have a year to live. Back then I didn't cope very well with the news. I actually wasted a lot of time just sitting waiting to die. What an idiot I was! I hosted so many pity parties that I named it my marathon tour of my pity party palooza! I also realized that I even isolated myself not only to the human beings around me but to God as well. I have always believed in His promise to never give us more than we can handle, yet there I was, certain that I couldn't handle any more, implying that God had let me down, and broken his promise! With that I ignored him as much or more than I ignored my family and friends. I'm happy to report that I have repaired my relationship with God, and am in awe and amazement at his grace and mercy! I now include him in my daily life and trust His word and promises. I personally think that God has a sense of humor and his timing is always perfect! As corny as this may sound, it took me going to TX Motor Speedway to see my first NASCAR race to restore my faith,my will to live and lift my spirits! I had never been interested in racing, that was something my hubby did with his dad. To me, how hard could it be to get in a car, put the pedal to the metal so to speak and turn left? And what kind of person would choose to sit in a hot car with no A/C, going round and round in circles but really going nowhere? Plus they had no horns to honk to tell the other drivers "hey scoot over I want to pass you?" instead they bump and bang the other cars, how rude! LOL! Let's just face it...I was clueless! But that first trip, that first race,I took a crash course in all things NASCAR, the fact that I had chose a favorite driver to cheer for and the fact that he won a race that day...I was hooked! I'm not into any other sport but since that weekend when I became a fan of NASCAR, something changed for me. I credit NASCAR, TMS,AFLAC and especially Carl Edwards for my metamorphosis! I take being Carl Edwards "Biggest Fan in TX" seriously! Recently I have added Twitter or to be exact, my Tweeps for bringing back my joy & zest for life. You see all of them have given me something to look forward to, something to get excited about, something to live for! I thank God for all of them! I truly believe that God has a sense of humor and delights in our happiness! I'm sorry if you feel I should have a more profound reason to live but I assure you that my family and friends bring constant joy to my life but I'm convinced that God used NASCAR as a way to bring me out of my deep agony and despair! Since then I've become even more determined to fight for my life! I want to live my life without regrets. I want to stop procrastinating and actually dream, hope and plan for my future! I was doing pretty well until just recently. I had a bit of a set back. I've let it get me down again. I'm angry with myself for screaming "Uncle" too fast! I must find a way out of this fog! I'm terrified that I'm literally losing my mind. It's getting harder and harder to do things when your brain and body have betrayed you. I don't tell my family how bad things are or what the doctor tells me because they worry too much and it interferes with their lives. I know that when people ask "How are you doing?" They really don't want to hear the truth....who does? I know I'm guilty of asking that question and hoping that they will say "I'm fine thank you" So my standard answer is always "I'm just fine" I've tried being honest and it's led to me hearing the next day that the person I told the truth to about my health told others that they didn't sleep a wink due to worrying about me all night! At first I was angry, they were the one who incessantly asked me to be honest with them. If they can't handle it, then I won't ever tell them anything again! I mean, I don't lose sleep due to worrying a bout myself, why should anyone else?! LOL! I've been told recently that I have such a good attitude about my health problems.....let me let you in on a little secret...I don't always have such a good attitude but I strive to! Sometimes typing/writing out positive words helps me believe in those words...I'm not technically lying, I just choose not to be such a Debbie Downer so much! I also believe in the old adage "fake it til you feel it" So I always try to put positive spins out there to lift others spirits and to try to sell it to myself. Well it's 5:45 am and I still can't sleep. But the birds are chirping and God's given me another day to enjoy here. I'm not promising to keep blogging consistently but I am going to try to do better than before. Next blog I want to tell you guys about the most amazing race weekend I've ever had! Til then, try to have a great pain free day! That's my hope for us all! I love love! J

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