Monday, June 15, 2009

Facebook and forgiveness

This weekend I was enjoying reading posts from all my long lost classmates,coworkers and friends on Facebook. I recently realized that I actually look forward to and have made this part of my morning routine. For weeks I have really enjoyed adding these people as my friends on Facebook. Usually every other day I have yet another friend request and friend suggestion. I have confirmed and added every request. Until this weekend. I see I have a friend suggestion. We have several mutual friends and graduated from the same High School. Instead of a flash of happiness, I actually felt my heart sink and became a bit nauseous. Was it "her"? I wasn't 100% sure until I enlarged the profile picture and saw the was "her". A flood of emotions came over me and I had to stop looking at her. Wow,my reaction was unexpected. I haven't thought about "her" for years. I then realized I have never forgiven this person. I still carry so much resentment towards her and this explains my reaction to her picture and the idea that Facebook thought to suggest her as one of my friends. It's amazing too that I can't remember what I did yesterday but I can remember in detail many times that this person tormented me. It started in Junior High. We lived in the same neighborhood and had hung out with mutual friends. Heck we even got along for years. It was a shock to me to learn that she no longer liked me and decided to bully and harass me. I remember like it was yesterday when she would call me on my new telephone and never speak, just play music or whistle the Andy Griffith show song just tie up my phone line(bizarre isn't it?) By high school we made sure to keep our distance from each other which I'm sure made life difficult or at least inconvenient to our mutual friends. The last straw for me was when she called my boyfriend and fabricated a complete and utter lie. She informed him that his best friend and I had hooked up while he was gone and betrayed him. He became so enraged (and drunk) that when I told him I was leaving and not going to justify this joke of a story with a response. He should know that this girl hated me and would say anything to make me look bad. Just when I thought I was leaving, he decided I wasn't going to get away that fast or easy. I ended up staying for about 30 more minutes while my boyfriend beat me to a pulp. I finally escaped to my car where he jumped on the hood and tried to break my windshield with his fist. (smart guy right?) I threw it in reverse and then slammed on the brakes. He was thrown off the car and I got the heck out of dodge. That was the first and last time I had ever been struck. It was also the main reason I left town and enrolled in college. I know that this "girl" didn't beat me, he did. However she consciously decided to fabricate a story,tell my boyfriend in the hopes it would hurt me. She had forethought and intentions with malice. I wonder if she ever found out about the beating? If so, I'm betting it brought her happiness. Sorry I digress. So here I am, still full of resentment. When I got sick and started preparing to die, I made an effort to forgive and forget those who hurt me or who I had ill feelings towards. I spoke to many and wrote letters to others and just talked it out with God about a few during my prayers. I thought my heart and mind was unburdened and clear. Boy was I wrong. Let me be clear, I'm not looking for an apology from this person nor do I desire to be her friend. I need to forgive her for me. It's strictly selfish on my part. I'm just having a hard time letting it all go. I've always believed in praying for your enemies and letting go of resentments/grudges. I've done it many times and usually with ease. This time is different. Don't ask me why?! I find myself struggling with this one. I'm not going to give up though, it needs to be done. Now I just hope to forgive but I'm pretty sure I'll never forget. Isn't it strange that this person who has not been in my life for 26 yrs can be the hardest one to forgive? Perhaps it's a test? Maybe the person is not as important as my dealing with the pain this person caused? The whole thing seems like an exercise in futility, such a waste of time! Oh who knows?! I'm very confused by the whole thing. Maybe Facebook needs to add an "Foe" button so we could clearly list not only our friends but our enemies as well! While they're at it they should go ahead and add a button for "Who?" for the ones that you don't recognize and are too embarassed to admit! You have to admit, it would make things interesting..LOL! Hope you all have a better than usual Monday!

1 comment:

  1. OOO I'm crying. I have one to forgive also, and having a hard time. It is the one relationship that I have not been able to work through - she torments me to this day (really, on social media sites). I hope to gain strength from you.