Facebook and forgiveness

This weekend I was enjoying reading posts from all my long lost classmates,coworkers and friends on Facebook. I recently realized that I actually look forward to and have made this part of my morning routine. For weeks I have really enjoyed adding these people as my friends on Facebook. Usually every other day I have yet another friend request and friend suggestion. I have confirmed and added every request. Until this weekend. I see I have a friend suggestion. We have several mutual friends and graduated from the same High School. Instead of a flash of happiness, I actually felt my heart sink and became a bit nauseous. Was it "her"? I wasn't 100% sure until I enlarged the profile picture and saw the eyes....it was "her". A flood of emotions came over me and I had to stop looking at her. Wow,my reaction was unexpected. I haven't thought about "her" for years. I then realized I have never forgiven this person. I still carry so much resentment towards her and this explains my reaction to her picture and the idea that Facebook thought to suggest her as one of my friends. It's amazing too that I can't remember what I did yesterday but I can remember in detail many times that this person tormented me. It started in Junior High. We lived in the same neighborhood and had hung out with mutual friends. Heck we even got along for years. It was a shock to me to learn that she no longer liked me and decided to bully and harass me. I remember like it was yesterday when she would call me on my new telephone and never speak, just play music or whistle the Andy Griffith show song just tie up my phone line(bizarre isn't it?) By high school we made sure to keep our distance from each other which I'm sure made life difficult or at least inconvenient to our mutual friends. The last straw for me was when she called my boyfriend and fabricated a complete and utter lie. She informed him that his best friend and I had hooked up while he was gone and betrayed him. He became so enraged (and drunk) that when I told him I was leaving and not going to justify this joke of a story with a response. He should know that this girl hated me and would say anything to make me look bad. Just when I thought I was leaving, he decided I wasn't going to get away that fast or easy. I ended up staying for about 30 more minutes while my boyfriend beat me to a pulp. I finally escaped to my car where he jumped on the hood and tried to break my windshield with his fist. (smart guy right?) I threw it in reverse and then slammed on the brakes. He was thrown off the car and I got the heck out of dodge. That was the first and last time I had ever been struck. It was also the main reason I left town and enrolled in college. I know that this "girl" didn't beat me, he did. However she consciously decided to fabricate a story,tell my boyfriend in the hopes it would hurt me. She had forethought and intentions with malice. I wonder if she ever found out about the beating? If so, I'm betting it brought her happiness. Sorry I digress. So here I am, still full of resentment. When I got sick and started preparing to die, I made an effort to forgive and forget those who hurt me or who I had ill feelings towards. I spoke to many and wrote letters to others and just talked it out with God about a few during my prayers. I thought my heart and mind was unburdened and clear. Boy was I wrong. Let me be clear, I'm not looking for an apology from this person nor do I desire to be her friend. I need to forgive her for me. It's strictly selfish on my part. I'm just having a hard time letting it all go. I've always believed in praying for your enemies and letting go of resentments/grudges. I've done it many times and usually with ease. This time is different. Don't ask me why?! I find myself struggling with this one. I'm not going to give up though, it needs to be done. Now I just hope to forgive but I'm pretty sure I'll never forget. Isn't it strange that this person who has not been in my life for 26 yrs can be the hardest one to forgive? Perhaps it's a test? Maybe the person is not as important as my dealing with the pain this person caused? The whole thing seems like an exercise in futility, such a waste of time! Oh who knows?! I'm very confused by the whole thing. Maybe Facebook needs to add an "Foe" button so we could clearly list not only our friends but our enemies as well! While they're at it they should go ahead and add a button for "Who?" for the ones that you don't recognize and are too embarassed to admit! You have to admit, it would make things interesting..LOL! Hope you all have a better than usual Monday!

I'm back and Summer is here!

Hello all! Sorry it's been so long since I've blogged (that word just sounds so weird)sounds like something I should say "excuse me" after it occurs! I've had a tough month. The trip to the cabin was a disappointment since I never stepped outside. I did rest though, in fact I stayed curled up in bed from Monday thru Thursday. Came home and ended up in the hospital on Friday. That was a nightmare! I won't bore you with the details but I ended up signing myself out of there quickly due to poor care! It reminded me of how thankful I am for MY doctors! Once I was able to reach my docs(which took days due to the holiday) I started receiving excellent care and was on the road to recovery. However, it's ironic that patience is a virtue I'm terrible at and yet that's the one I need to master. I think it's one of God's ways of reminding me of this?! I tell ya I have been tested in this area for a month now. Lately it's been taking my body entirely too long to heal. I'm back on house arrest since my immune system has taken a nose dive and must continue to take chemo/steroids. Doctors orders. To prevent cabin fever I usually spend alot of time in my backyard, birdwatching(esp. purple martins),tending my garden, and watching my dogs romp(they only go out when I do,strictly house dogs!) However it seems that summer has arrived suddenly and it's hot! In fact it's too hot for me to enjoy my backyard time during the day. I'm now trying to adjust to going outside at dusk and dawn and slathering myself in DEET to avoid the masses of mosquitoes! At this very moment it's raining and we're having a severe thunderstorm...high winds,hail,thunder and lightening. Hoping we don't have yet another tornado warning..we've already had a few this season. During the past month I have been able to borrow my daughter's new mini laptop and I'm learning how to use Facebook and Twitter. They both have pros and cons. I enjoy catching up with old classmates and coworkers with unlimited # of characters on Facebook. However there's something about Twitter that I find entertaining. I hate only being allowed to type in 140 characters...it forces me to use abbrev. and I have a pet peeve about using proper English or at least complete sentences! LOL! See I just noticed I also now use phrases like LOL (I miss haha & heehee). At first I was uncomfortable on Twitter,seemed intrusive and voyeuristic to "follow" people,especially celebrities but oddly enough I enjoy reading posts in their own words. I almost feel like I get to see that celebrity as a regular person in their natural habitat. Once my daughter pointed out that those that tweet do so because they want to share with the rest of the world, no one is making or paying them do so...of course the exception may be Ashton or Demi but that's just a rumor..jk...aaaggh I just did it again! I meant just kidding! I have engaged in some fun conversations with many people on both FB and Twitter! For those of you who know me you know that I bought a pair of Crocs over 4 years ago. I wore them to work each day and continue to wear them each and every day here at home. Of course I tried a couple of off brand knockoffs but quickly gave them away and went back to my navy blue beach style Crocs. I've have a painful foot condition for 5yrs and when the doctor encouraged me to pay $ 500 for orthotics I was desperate enough to consider it. However since I didn't have that kind of money in the budget, I had to wait until I could save up to afford them. A friend of mine recommended I try a pair of Crocs. I hesitated because the only store(Dillards) that carried them only carried one style and it was covered with holes(because it was a beach style shoe-duh!) The next day she brought me a pair to try out. Well within 1 hour I was hooked! I went straight to the mall and bought my one and only pair of Crocs! My Crocs have served me well but I've noticed the treads are worn so I'm saving up my pennies and shopping for a second pair! Lo and behold I just found Mr. @GeorgeGSmithJR and @Crocs on Twitter and thru these folks websites, I've found their entire catalog! I'm in Crocs heaven! There are so many choices of Crocs, I had no idea! I thought I only had to decide which color of Crocs this time but no! The choices are abundant to the point my head is spinning! I also learned about their group SolesUnited which puts shoes on those who can't afford a pair of shoes in many countries too...it's an amazing group endeavor for Crocs so please check them out and consider joining the cause...it will give you the warm fuzzies! I get so tickled when someone replies to my tweets. It helps occupy my time and mind and cuts down on the "lonely's" (is that even a word?) Like I mentioned in earlier posts, I'm still trying to figure out who this "Jayna the disabled lady" is suppose to be? Still waiting on a hint from HIM on what is the plan now? Not trying to whine here just confused. See I thought I knew what my purpose in life was...wife,mom and nurse. When these duties and activities were no longer possible I just wasn't prepared. When I didn't die by the expiration date the docs gave(which passed a month ago) I'm now left scratching my head wondering ok, now what? Guess I should try to start living instead of waiting to die?! So I'm switching gears here or mindset at least. I'm going to start reaching out now and try to connect with others. The kids convinced me to "blog" as a way to journal my new journey. Hope to post more often now that I'm feeling a bit better. I better go now, it's really storming here and my dogs are freaking out! Have a wonderful Wednesday all. Be sure to take good care of you! Jayna

It's worth it?!

Well I had to make the font here large so I could see it. Seems I'm paying for the fun I had yesterday? As I mentioned in my last blog, my daughter and I watched court tv followed by funny movies. It was so hot and humid we turned the A/C on,closed the blinds and remained nice and cool. During a break in the movie, my daughter brought out all the new makeup she had recently bought on sale. She then thought it would be fun for me and her to try out some of this new makeup. Now anyone who knows me knows that I hardly ever wear makeup. However I went along with her idea. Moments later she held up her mini laptop and stood beside me and said "mama, say cheese" she then showed me the picture of us she took on the webcam. I didn't like that picture so she grabbed the digital camera and tried again. I then allowed her to snap a few photos of me alone. You can tell I'm in my natural habitat by the Aflac Nascar t shirt and bandana with paw prints I'm wearing..lol! I hate to have my picture taken so it was quite a big deal to my daughter. I never like any of my photos. I think it goes back to my denial of what I really look like...if I don't see a photo of myself, I don't have to accept how horrid I look...make sense..no? Boy I've really let myself go over the past few years...how sad! I may let my daughter upload a photo or two to some of my online accounts hoping that seeing them everyday might desensitize me to their horror? I did however really enjoy the day. While getting ready for bed, I washed my face and put my moisturizer on my face. Suddenly around 3am I woke up because my eyes were burning and hurting! I went to the bathroom mirror and whoa! I couldn't even open my eyes...they were swollen shut! I used a warm wet washrag and after a few minutes I pried them open...what a sight....I looked like a pug dog with those big bug eyes! Now i had a film of yellow fluid covering my eyes. My eyeballs feel like I have sand in them,it hurts to blink. I'm sure this is a reaction to the eye makeup from yesterday. Oh well,I wouldn't change a thing that happened yesterday. I made a memory with my daughter so it's all worth it. Bug eyes and all.... Have a blessed day! Gentle hugs, jayna

Oops ! Mea Culpa!

addendum to first blog:
I apologize for repeating myself between my profile and my first blog. That's what happens when I write something on one day and something else the next day....no memory! However I wanted to list my current health issues that I'm dealing with once and for all:
SLE(Lupus), RA(Rheumatoid Arthritis),Sjogren's Syndrome, diabetes,kidney disease,neuropathy,multiple cavernous angiomas and Lupus induce vasculitis which has caused lung and brain damage. That's all I can remember at the moment. Of course these diseases have caused a few complications and I'm taking loads of medications to treat each disease which come with many side effects. I sometimes think the side effects of the meds are worse than the effects of the disease? Does that even make sense? OK well there you go, that's what I'm dealing with in a nutshell. From here on out I plan to discuss HOW I'm dealing with these culprits. Now I'm going to curl up on the couch with my daughter and 2 dogs and watch funny movies..it's time for a day of laughter! Hope you have a belly laugh today as well! Best wishes and gentle hugs, Jayna

Good Morning!

Hola!
This is my first attempt at blogging so bear with me. I guess I will start with an introduction of sorts. I'm a 40 something female who is happily married and will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in June. I honestly can't believe that 25 years has flown by already! I have 2 beautiful children, my daughter is 23, attends college, and moved back home to help me out. I'm so glad that we have such a close relationship and I'm so proud of the young lady she's become. My son, is 20,attends college and lives 3 hours away, (that's the part I hate). He is an amazing young man who like his sister I am so very proud of. I love the fact that both of them are very close and get along quite well. I 've worked in several different healthcare facilities but two in particular stole my heart. I had the honor of working at our city/county Health Dept. as the Communicable Disease Supervisor....it was a dream job and one that I loved! The other one was a nursing home that I worked part time. The residents there were amazing! Unfortunately my health betrayed me and I had to give up my jobs/career last year. I applied for SS Disability and was finally approved! While I'm quite grateful to be receiving disability payments I must confess that the past year has been the absolute toughest year I've battled thus far. I continue to have a hard time accepting the disabled title. Last May my doc gave me a poor prognosis and urged me to get my affairs in order. I went home and just prepared to die. I didn't tell my family and I came up with a plan to withdraw and detach from family and friends thinking that it would be easier on them when I did pass away...perhaps that wouldn't grieve as much? I also was losing my mind,literally, and this terrified me. So since I couldn't find the right words or remember or retain new information, I stopped talking to everyone, thinking there would be less of a chance that I would say something that didn't make sense or didn't worry them when I didn't remember something. My greatest fear was that I would wake up one day and not be able to recognize my family or even know who I was?! I also hated being a "burden" to my family. Suddenly I couldn't contribute anything..money,housework,etc. This was hard to wrap my mind around? Fast forward to today....I've just realized that hey I'm still here! Maybe the docs were wrong, perhaps I'm not going to die soon, perhaps I should have hope,perhaps God really has a new plan for me, dare I dream again? So today I've decided I've worked thru some of the stages of grief and I believe I'm now on the anger stage! I'm mad at these diseases not God?! I'm going to start making plans again, I'm going to try to make NEW memories with my family and friends, heck even if I don't remember them maybe they will?! I'm going to try to reach out to people and maybe even make a friend or two?! Goodness I've rambled on...I'll close now. Till next time, take care of you......gentle hugs,Jayna

testing one, two, three!